Processing through Lots of Random Thoughts and Feelings

I can't sleep tonight. Today has been a day full of emotions for me and I have so many thoughts and feelings that I'm still processing through. This morning I had a job interview, and although it wasn't anything major (just an introduction interview for substitute teaching) it was still kind of tough. I didn't expect to feel so nervous and self-conscious. On top of that, I never know what small thing I will see throughout my day that will remind me of someone or something in Botswana and get me all emotional and teary-eyed. Today while waiting for my interview, it was two young girls walking through the school hall, whispering and giggling, each wearing their school uniform sweatshirt. Something about that moment just made me ache for my sweet kids who I love and miss so much.

It felt so strange to be about to have an interview for a new job, kind of the first big step to starting over. Actually the feeling started last week as I began filling out job applications. It's funny because the applications ask for a job description of my previous job and only give me two lines. How can I possibly sum up my experience from the last two years in two lines? The first day I started on the applications, I ended up taking a break and making a long Skype phone call to some of the teenagers. I just needed it.

This afternoon I spent time buying things to get me settled into the room I'm staying in at a friend's house. Although mostly it is really exciting and helping me to feel settled and ready for what's next, I also have all of these other unexpected emotions. I have a bunch of little trinkets around that I bought in Africa, and it's weird looking around the room and seeing them now mixed in with the new things I bought today. My past mixed in with my future.

I found myself praying so much today for the country of Botswana and the people who live there. It's kind of like I've come full circle; this is so familiar to what I did three years ago before leaving. I was always thinking about and praying for the people there, my heart so full of love for them. I knew for certain that God was doing things there and felt humbled and excited to be able to be a small part of what He was doing. I couldn't wait to get over there! Now unbelievably, I've already been and come home. And amazingly I've been home over two months already...that's so crazy to me!

I don't really have a point to all of this, other than it was all running through my head so I decided to type it out instead. I have this weird feeling of fear that I am going to lose this love I have for Botswana, that I am going to forget, that I'll move on to something else and think back on this as "those two short years I lived in Africa." I pray that that doesn't happen. I pray that no matter where I am or what I am doing, my heart is always stirred for Botswana. I hope that I remain in prayer for the people there, people who are no longer just pictures in a book, but who have names, whose lives I was a part for a while, and who occupy such a huge piece of my heart. I hope also that I can help others to not forget about this small, sweet, beautiful country thousands of miles away that still needs our love and prayers.

Ke a go rata thata thata, Botswana.