Processing through Lots of Random Thoughts and Feelings

I can't sleep tonight. Today has been a day full of emotions for me and I have so many thoughts and feelings that I'm still processing through. This morning I had a job interview, and although it wasn't anything major (just an introduction interview for substitute teaching) it was still kind of tough. I didn't expect to feel so nervous and self-conscious. On top of that, I never know what small thing I will see throughout my day that will remind me of someone or something in Botswana and get me all emotional and teary-eyed. Today while waiting for my interview, it was two young girls walking through the school hall, whispering and giggling, each wearing their school uniform sweatshirt. Something about that moment just made me ache for my sweet kids who I love and miss so much.

It felt so strange to be about to have an interview for a new job, kind of the first big step to starting over. Actually the feeling started last week as I began filling out job applications. It's funny because the applications ask for a job description of my previous job and only give me two lines. How can I possibly sum up my experience from the last two years in two lines? The first day I started on the applications, I ended up taking a break and making a long Skype phone call to some of the teenagers. I just needed it.

This afternoon I spent time buying things to get me settled into the room I'm staying in at a friend's house. Although mostly it is really exciting and helping me to feel settled and ready for what's next, I also have all of these other unexpected emotions. I have a bunch of little trinkets around that I bought in Africa, and it's weird looking around the room and seeing them now mixed in with the new things I bought today. My past mixed in with my future.

I found myself praying so much today for the country of Botswana and the people who live there. It's kind of like I've come full circle; this is so familiar to what I did three years ago before leaving. I was always thinking about and praying for the people there, my heart so full of love for them. I knew for certain that God was doing things there and felt humbled and excited to be able to be a small part of what He was doing. I couldn't wait to get over there! Now unbelievably, I've already been and come home. And amazingly I've been home over two months already...that's so crazy to me!

I don't really have a point to all of this, other than it was all running through my head so I decided to type it out instead. I have this weird feeling of fear that I am going to lose this love I have for Botswana, that I am going to forget, that I'll move on to something else and think back on this as "those two short years I lived in Africa." I pray that that doesn't happen. I pray that no matter where I am or what I am doing, my heart is always stirred for Botswana. I hope that I remain in prayer for the people there, people who are no longer just pictures in a book, but who have names, whose lives I was a part for a while, and who occupy such a huge piece of my heart. I hope also that I can help others to not forget about this small, sweet, beautiful country thousands of miles away that still needs our love and prayers.

Ke a go rata thata thata, Botswana.


Amber said...

I am up VERY late too because I can't sleep. ;)
Thanks for sharing this, Andrea. Beautiful thoughts of a country that you obviously have so much love for. I trust that the Lord will keep that love in a safe place in your heart and continually bring to mind the people and country for you to pray. Praying for you as you continue the journey of readjusting and begin this next chapter of life back in Austin.
(Are you planning to end this blog and blogging? I got that feeling from your last post. I hope not!)

Anonymous said...

Don't wont forget! Even for me, many years and countries later, I still think of my kids from Brazil all the time! First loves don't disappear that easily. They will always remain in your heart!

Jen said...

Praying for you friend...for your spirit as you transition and that God would continue to place those little images in your life to remind you of a people He's called you to brokenness for, even when it hurts. Praying that the heaviness for what is past does not go away or become numb but that He would allow you to feel it, all the while protecting those feelings and guarding them with His peace. Thank you for sharing all of this. You're a treasure.

Andrea said...

Thank you guys so much. It helped to get all of it out. After I finished typing, I was finally able to go to sleep. :)
Thank you for your encouragement...and just for walking through this with me. Love you!
(Amber, I'm still figuring out what to do about blogging. I go back and forth.)

Mary said...

It's true that you never forget. I even started to cry when I read this, 6 years after leaving Ghana, because I remember the people and the love I have for that place. I know the journey you are going on now. If you ever want to call and chat let me know.
-Mary Beavers

Jess said...

Thanks for sharing your struggle, Andrea. Lots of hugs headed your way.

Dana said...

Your open window of honesty gives us all a breath of fresh air. The emotions you feel are a reality check that you really put yourself out there for God and the people of Botswana you touched. Being still and letting it all hang out is a good thing. Thank you for who you are and your witness!